Today marks 40 days since I received that call …
The call which is inevitable for us all (as death is a certainity for us all)…
In those forty days, I have gone through various phases …
Guilt: about whether I had done all the best I could to tend to your needs when you became frai; whether I should have travelled to see you sooner than I had planned, …
Gratitude: that you are no longer in pain/dependent on anyone for your most basic care (which I know, as an indepent woman, you detested)…
Pride & Gratitude: to have had you as my mama- you went all out for us, hustled, putting your ego aside, as was necessary (going from the child who accompanied her aunty to her clothes stall in isale eko, to becoming (& working as) a registered nurse in the UK, to teaching in Lagos, to child-minding in Ilorin & then major distributor of some top listed companies; and to owning your own stall in Ilorin…) and all for your children – we all in our own ways are carrying on the same thing in our own lives, as you witnessed before your passing.
Questioning: Did you know how much I loved and appreciated you… Yesterday; it was who else would ever love me like my mum did (I guess the answer is none; as the love of a mother is fierce, all consuming and totally unconditional, as I have realised since having my own kids); & then I read a poem by #Frank Solanki “Your love is but a distant Star” and I have to believe you are still out there looking down on us; perhaps a star twinkling down on us.
Legacies are built daily; by being a good role model for your kids, being there for your friends & family, being kind, giving, providing a home for kids who need it – you did it all and impacted many lives.
You lived a good life (though difgicult at times) blessed with grandkids & great-grand kids; we were fortunate to have had you for so long (as I was recently reminded by a friend; some lose their mums’ when they are young children); but your passing has left a big hole in our lives…
Thank you mummy, for giving us your all. I hope you knew that despite the grumpy me who never wanted to chat when you did (oh by the way, since returning from your burial, I have told your grandson, who is very much like me in that regard, to take advantage of those moments to chat as I will one day not be here; as I now wish I could have found it in myself to have those chats you wanted to have); I did love you deeply and had your back all through – even though I may not have been able to demonstrate it.
On this day, I pray that your kindness, your faith, your good intentions, (including when you worried so much as you became frail, about not being able to observe your salats), and all salats (you were oportuned to have been able to perform), would intercede for you; & your sins would be forgiven.
Al- jannah firdaus my darling mama; miss you so much.
Seen and heard no more, but loved deeply still.
Forever in our hearts
Originally published on my old blog, bitalks, this post marked 40 days after my mum’s passing. Grief lingers, but so does legacy.